I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All the doctor said was why
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
