Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
