I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
