the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
