I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
