just tell him i said nine months
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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