Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
