i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
