Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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