im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
