I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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