U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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