Apparently you make a good broom.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
