Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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