Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize