Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
