Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
