I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
