My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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