if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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