Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
