I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
