wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
