There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just want to make out with him forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
