ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
