is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I need moral support for this bender
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
