I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
