"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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