I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
