mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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