what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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