You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize