Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
