when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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