Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
