I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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