Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
