found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
