i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
