i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
