he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
