So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
