You're my little dorito
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
