Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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