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atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
