Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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