someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
