"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My dick has a subreddit
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize