Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
