i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
