Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
