I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
