thus making me awesome and them whores
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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