I think I won the penis lottery.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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