WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
