I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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