i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
