i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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