I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize