sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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